Hearts on Fire

2005-04-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

Amazing.... Just wish he'd return to Oakland and bring a juiced filthy Giambi with him and not that heutered piece of shit wearing pinstripes
Garyburger

2005-04-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

Congratulations are in order for my brother Kyle!!! Kyle has chosen to attend Mankato State in the fall. Mankato State...aka Minnesota State...is a fine choice for Mobile. Now tackle with your head up and make Dauber proud! Oh, and Dan Karstjens says hi.
Garyburger

2005-04-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'd like to wish Matt Morris happy opening day. Yes, the rest of the team started a few weeks ago, but when the Cardinals get ready to leave Florida.....Matt Morris realizes that he has to leave his golf game and 18 yr old skanks down there as well and make the trek up to Missouri to the mundane life of everyday baseball and live-in girlfriend, Flynn Kile (Darryl's late wife, which i have zreo proof of, but matt's a pimp and it makes since that when you pass on that he fucks your wife) and her damn kids. So, Morris annually fakes a minor injury, parties his ass off and plays some golf while the Cards play those first 11 games. Plus, he took a huge pay cut, so we can't blame him. He also factors in how some guys start the year relatively slow and he wants to make sure he gets run support. I just wish he didn't look like Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian or Jeff "Beer-done" Reardon. Go get 'em Matt, those bats should be waking up for you.
Garyburger

2005-04-08T12:56:00.001-07:00

I miss ya Danny! Can't wait till major league baseball tells benito and julio that they are too old to play baseball. Me and Julio down by the nursing home......
Garyburger

2005-04-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

And least likely to win the masters.....Casey, it's early in the season, make sure yuo use carts only in the rough and keep them thirty feet away from the green. Thanks
Garyburger

Someone grab a towel because Sean May is covered in semen

2005-04-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

1. Haven't seen this big of "dick-sucking campaign" since Mike Wilkinson hung 'em up.

2. Billy Packer lives in Charlotte, NC and played college basketball in the ACC.
Disclaimer: I really wish this was false, but I'm sorry I can give you my sources, but don't want to link webpages due to copyright concerns. If you are interested...drop garyburger an email- kaner@email.com

3. Actual Billy Packer Quotes from Monday's National Championship

"Illinois is using moving screens....THAT'S A MOVING SCREEN...Illinois can't do that!" Billy...Please broadcast the nat'l championship. If you want to cheer, go back home to Charlotte and watch the game with Gary Williams, Scott May Sr., and Chris Paul.

"Well Jim, if I were Illinois, I'd keep running that motion offense with the moving screens! There not obviously not gonna call Illinois for a moving screen, so I'd run it everytime" Billy....You are Illinois, an official, or a fan. You are supposed to be an unbiased broadcaster hired by CBS.

"For this next possesion, those other 4 guys shouldn't be allowed to do anything until May touches the ball" Billy...Those 4 other guys are going to play in the NBA, and those 4 other guys won 32 games this year, and those 4 other guys beat Villanova when Sean "I think someone mentioned my dad's name was Scott (who has a National Title), and I have soft hands and supberp footwork, and am the best center since another fat 6'8" guy who played for Michigan and went onto a stellar NBA career and isn't named Corliss Williamson who had another amazing NBA career, get Billy Packer's mouth off my penis...it is Digger's turn" May was in foul trouble.

"Look out they're setting a pick!!!! May's gonna run off it for the lob!!!!! Augggh!" Billy....When a team prepares for their biggest game of the season, they do something that other coaches refer to as scouting. It's when they look at what their opponent has done in the past against other teams from different offensive sets. I'm sorry the play was broken up and you could get any more excited about giving Sean "I can foul out the entire state of Illinois with touch fouls b/c the officials created a forcefield around me and if you even look at my greatness you will be charged with two fouls" May a reacharound.

(3 seconds after the buzzer) "Coach Roy joins Boeheim and Gary Williams as three straight coaches who have won championships for their alma matters." Billy...thank you for being able to spit out what you had planned to say the entire game. Now get down in that locker and give those kids high-fives and bring Sean "Illinois is using moving screens, but I seal with my right arm everytime I'm trying to get position inside but the foul can't go to me because I think someone mentioned my dad won a national title" May his birthday cake, and take Roy out for dinner with you and your wife when you guys finish golfing for the day in Charlotte.

4. Augustine 9 min....5 fouls/Ingram 30 min....4 fouls VS. Sean "lower my shoulder and crack your sternum is my offense" May 1 foul.....34 minutes.

PS: Rashaad McCants was blown by 37 times by Illinois guards and continued to bump them with his hip as he rode them through the lane. He was charged with 0 fouls.

PPS: After the game Rashaad decided to mandingo to the crowd and put as much attention on himself as possible without acknowledging another teammate for 3 minutes. He was scoreless in the second half.

5. Illinois shot 6 Freet Throws and lost me $30

2005-04-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Billy!!!!!! You won it all!
Garyburger

2005-04-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

If you want the head of the catholic church to unite all of Europe....there is only one man to call. "I'll be ready (I'll be ready), Never you fear (no don't you fear), I'll be ready, Forever and always, I'm always here"
Garyburger

2005-04-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

With the end drawing near.....who gets the keys to the pope-mobile?
Garyburger

2005-04-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

Get out of my dreams, get into my pope-mobile!
Garyburger

I believe

2005-03-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's getting hot in herrrr

2005-03-31T14:13:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that as it gets warmer, i get lazier. And I tell you nothing is better than being lazy. But with every turn of the seasons, there are pros and cons. For me the March/April transition may be the best time of year with the only competition coming from September/October. I love the fall and baseball playoffs and college football tailgating and fantasy football starting. But march madness and the anticipation of the baseball season probably takes the cake.

Pros of Spring

1. Cardinals start their farewll tour for Busch Stadium. Oh what i wouldn't give to see Tommy Herr, Jack Clark, and Todd Zeile suit up again. Well, Todd's got his acting career to worry about, plus I think he was still on a roster last season.

2. The Big Ten continues its domination of NCAA basketball. Haven't seen this much buzz for this underrated conference since the days of Clabert Chaney, Big Dog, and the Fab Four.

3. The annual Evander Holyfield comeback. "The Warrior" claims he still wants to be a champ. I never cared for Holyield and enjoy watching him get embarassed in the ring. Evander, you are a champ....The champion of sleeping around. Now go write 9 different child support payments, Champ.

4. Manufacturers continue to make short khaki shorts, and skimpy shorts with letters on the ass. I think almost any girl can look sexy when she has letters on her ass, as long as she's not too big....if you just asked youself if you were too big....well, then the answer is yes. Do not wear these, and take your tube top back.

5. Beer Gardens

Cons

1. I'll sum up all of my complaints into one. That guy. You know who you are. You have your shirt off, you just got off your pussy ninja motorcycle, and you realize that the shell necklace you got from AE is starting to itch. Simply stop talking to any girl that walks by while you throw a football around and go find a mirror. Repeat after me. "I am the biggest fucking douchebag in the world".

2. Cubs Baseball and their fans. I think this is self explanatory. Yes, I hate the cubbies, which i think at sometimes makes me un-american. I picture a typical cub fan as a 32 yr old alcoholic with a fishing hat (with a "C" on it) wearing colored sunscreen on his nose and wishing he could have those days back where he played right field in tee ball and never became good enough to play in high school.

3. 6th year of college. Obviously my drive is faltering since I am about to end my cool down (4 laps, a victory lap, and the much needed cool down). My grades are good, but damn when it gets nice out I almost immediately turn into Chris Burke (Corky from "life goes on") It be nice if my transition was like Teen Wolf where when it got nice out, I became a master of the behnd the back pass, but no. If it hits 65 degrees I automatically develop an enlarged forehead, lose my reasoning skills, and listen to Ludacris.